Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Day 80

Thank you ladies for your comments and I am looking into the recommendations that you made.  Here in Alberta we have a fairly good medical system that allows us access to physicans at almost any time.  The problem I am finding is that some of them really do not know a lot about diabetes.  I also wondered at the meal plan the doctor/dietician recommended for my husband's diabetes.  But they tell us that each meal should contain carbs and that the amounts set are the right amount for his height, weight and blood sugar readings.  I have been searching the internet for diabetic meal plans but some of them are extremely difficult to follow.  We are both members of TOPS and have been having steady loses over the past several weeks and attending meetings faithfully to learn about making life style changes.  I am also looking into setting up some sessions with a personal trainer for both of us in the new year.  I so much appreciate your comments and take every suggestion seriously.  I know it has been awhile since I last posted and feel bad about that.  I went into a depression and had a really hard time with some family issues.  Seems the holiday season is harder on me than I like to admit.  We did learn at our TOPS meeting to not be concerned to much with a lose over the holidays but rather to try to maintain and we got a list of holiday tricks to help keep from over doing it. 

I also have been following Stacy's blog, and I just read all her comments from her last post.  Wow, some great suggestions there and I am going to look into some of them as well. 

Again, ladies thank you so much for your comments and suggestions.  This is part of why I started this blog and I do have every intention of getting to my goal weight of 155 lbs in the one year period.  Please stick with me and keep those comments coming.


Sunday, December 6, 2009

Day 64

The countdown to Christmas is on.  Only 17 more days.  Spent all day yesterday baking and making goodies.  I was really proud of myself, I only had 2 cookies.  Made hubby be the official tester of each item, he actually did really well also and even refused a few.  Tomorrow night is weigh-in and our Christmas dinner for my weight lose group.  Will see how well I resisted things.  Been busy again today, got down the decorations, tried to fix the outside lights that the wind blew down but gave up as they all came off.  Did laundry and cleaned the pantry.  That was a big job all in itself.

1 cup mini wheats with 1%milk

Ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat

3 small quiche

Friday, December 4, 2009

Day 62 - 281.2 lbs

Yuck what a day.  Storming all day, streets are nearly impassable.  Blizzard and storm warnings out for the whole province.  High winds and lots of loose, powdery snow.  Stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work to pick up supplies for baking day tomorrow.  Going to see how I do with just making it and not eating it.  Made Nuts and Bolts and Peanut Butter squares tonight and haven't tasted any of the squares.  Did have a small taste of the Nuts and Bolts.

2 slices buttered white toast
mandarin orange

Lunch (AUPE sponsored)
1 bun
turkey and roast beef
ceasar salad
small butter tart square

1/6 of homemade pizza

Forgot to metion yesterday that when I got home from work my dad was here.  Nearly blew me away, he hasn't been here since just after we got back from taking Uncle Roy back to Ontario for burial (June 2008).  It went pleasant enough just not used to having him pop in like that.

Another restless night, was awake at 4 a.m.again and didn't go to bed till after 11 p.m.  Doesn't make any sense to me.  One of the clerks in Drayton Valley lost her husband to a massive heart attack this morning. Made me really stop and think, especially since he suffered from the same ailments as Dennies.  My heart goes out to her, not easy to lose someone at any time but especially this time of year.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Day 61

What a night last night.  I woke up at 3:30 with horrible stomach cramps.  Never did go back to sleep so have taken it easy today and am now ready for bed hoping I can sleep the whole night through.

2 slices of buttered white bread
3 strips of bacon

1 cup of cream of cauliflower soup with 4 soda crackers

Stoffer's Turkey Dinner with mashed potatoes, dressing and gravy (260 calories)
diet jello

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Day 60

Wow, 60 days since I started this blog, hard to believe.  That means I have approximately 10 months to meet my goal.  Will I do it?  I'm not sure, but going to give it the old college try.  The next 3 weeks will be difficult with all the functions we have to attend leading up to Christmas.  Not only that but there is all the baking to do and food to be prepared as Christmas is at our house this year.  I'm not going to get bent out of shape if I slip a bit, but plan on practicing being aware of what I am eating.

Today was busy.  I woke up at 4:15 and could not go back to sleep.  I laid in bed till 5:10 and then finally decided to get up as I was just laying there.  Not sure why I am having such difficulty sleeping beyond 4 a.m.  Tonite I am staying up a bit longer to see if that makes a difference.  Hubby drove me to work this morning as I had to get new winter tires on my vehicle.  Then he picked me up and drove me to get my vehicle after work. 

Came home and made supper then decided to get started on the Christmas baking by making a batch of sugar cookies.  I will admit that I did have 2 just to taste them.  Good thing I did too as I had forgotten the vanilla and you could really tell.

madarine orange

bran muffin
amdarin orange segments

chef's salad

small salmon fillet
3 cheese tortellini w/alfredo sauce
green beans

diet jello w/canned cool whip

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Day 59 - 282 lbs

Wow, yesterday was some day.  We had a major snowfall and the streets were very, very treacherous.  It took me over an hour to get home from work and it normally takes 10 minutes.  I didn't do a posting yesterday as our internet kept going on and off all evening.  Food was ok though, even managed to lose a little bit over the past couple of days.

Today has been a bit hectic as well.  Commute to work was slow but ok.  Took my time and made it ok.  Stopped at the tire shop on the way home to see if they could put my winter tires on but they were about 8 hours behind.  I would have had them on before this but they had to be ordered in and low and behold they only arrived yesterday.  Got home and had to drive hubby to autobody shop to pick up his truck.  It looks as good as new again.  Hopefully no more run ins with the wildlife.

mandarin orange

bran muffin
mixed fresh fruit

chef's salad
apple sauce

baked chicken breast
fried potatoes

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Day 57 - 282.8 lbs

Hello everyone.  It is a gorgeous day here today, the sun is shining and almost all the snow we had has melted.  I slept well last night and felt so good about being back on track again.  Today I have done some laundry, letter writing and made an awesome lunch for hubby and I.

1 cup rice krispies
1/3 cup 1% milk
1/2 tsp white sugar
1 yogurt - 100 g - 35 calories
1 half medium banana
1 pkg Maxachinno mix - 60 calories

egg salad sandwich (2 slices whole wheat bread w/ 1/2 cup egg salad mix)
100 ml vanilla ice cream

Stouffer's Meat Loaf w/Mashed Potatoes and Gravy (270 calories)
1/2 cup kernel corn
Lettuce and Cucumber Salad (2 cups iceberg lettuce, 1/2 english cucumber, 1 tablespoon ranch dressing)

Evening Snack
1 pkg Thinsations Shortbread Cookies (100 calories)
200 ml apple juice

Had a great afternoon, finally finished putting together my TV stand that I got way back in June.  Trying to start cleaning up in order to get the Christmas decorations up.  Felt good to get that project out of the road.  Still have a couple of stands to move around but will do that this week.  Food was good today so hope I can hold it together till morning.  In most instances it seems to be one second at a time.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Day 56 - 284.4 lbs

Well, I had enough nerve this morning to step on the scale and see what the last month's damage was.  Not as bad as I expected.  I've had a good morning.  Shoveled snow from the front driveway and sidewalk.  Finished my Christmas shopping and did my grocery shopping and all before 11:00 a.m.  I like to get to the stores early in the morning as I do not do well in crowded places.  Didn't do breakfast this morning before leaving the house but now enjoying a bit of brunch.

1 pkg Maxwell House Maxachinno (60 calories)
1 mandarin orange
100 g 0% yogurt (35 calories)
1 slice whole wheat toast w/1 teaspoon peach jelly

Afternoon Snack
1 cup black tea
1 pkg Thinsations Shortcake Sables (100 calories)

10 oz Sweet Red Chili Stir Fry (.366 grams pork stir fry meat/1 small onion - sliced/2 medium carrots - sliced/1 yellow & 1 red bell pepper - sliced/ 3 stalks celery - sliced/1 can mushroom stems and pieces/1/4 cup sweet red chili sauce)
2/3 cup Harvest Medley Rice (contains Calmarti Brown Rice, Wild Rice, Heirloom Red Rice and Sweet Brown Rice)
1 cup black tea

This is the first meal I have actually cooked in over a month.  It felt good to be back in the kitchen again inventing a healthy meal.  The stir fry was a little spicy but not bad.  I used the Chili sauce just to add some flavor and it is lower in calories than a sweet and sour sauce.  As most of the stir fry was vegetables I think 10 ounces was an ok portion.  Normally I would have around 3 to 4 ounces of meat and lots of veggies and it looked a lot like that amount to me.  Guess the scale will tell.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Day 55

Finally starting to feel human again.  This past month has been the worst of my life for being sick.  This flu just hung on and hung on.  No energy, not being able to sleep, no appetite, throat feeling like it was going to close off most of the time.  Even though I do feel a 100% better than I did, I am not 100% yet.

I've really fallen off the wagon, so to speak, this last month.  The no appeitite has led to all kinds of food errors and I have not stepped on the scale for some time now.  I am most terrified of what I will see for numbers.

Something happened today that made me realize that I really need to get my act together and get this weight off before it kills me (literally).  I was booked for day surgery at the end of October that I had to postpone due to being ill so it was rescheduled for today.  I got up and had my shower, had the neighbor drive me to the hospital, went through all the admission paperwork, even made it as far as the operating room...then it happened.  They put an oxygen mask on me and I had a major panic attack.  I just knew that if they put me under at this weight I would not be waking up again.  So to make a long story short, I  canceled the surgery.  I felt silly at first and then after talking to some of the nurses realized that I did the right thing by going with my gut instinct.  I was so scared of going to sleep and never waking up that it pertified me.  Now for a normal person of normal weight it would have been a breeze, 15 minutes under and back to the real world.  I have just been feeling so crappy this past month that I could not go through with it.

This did make me stop and think about the dangers of going under when at a high weight.  All the precautions in the world could not prevent something from happening.  I feel bad that I wasted everyone's time but I feel that God was telling me to do this and answered my prayers before I had gone to the operating room.  I believe this was His way of telling me that He is giving me another chance and that I need to do something about my attitude and actions if I want to live to a ripe old age.  This was genuinely a scare that I will not be ignoring.  Starting tomorrow I am getting back into gear and this weight is going to head to the big fat farm in the sky.  Enough procastination and thinking that I will live forever no matter what my weight.  What a stupid, perverted way of thinking that is.

Thank you God for showing me the error of my ways and for letting me have another chance to heal my distorted body.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Day 43

Another day of being sick, how much longer is this going to go on.  Woke up this morning with an earache and now tonight my face is swollen, I have sores in my mouth and a horrid headache.  Will put some heat on my ear tonight and hopefully that will help to drain any infection that may be lurking there.  I really hate to have to go to the doctor for another round of antibiotics.

Food is almost not existent for me.  I just cannot find any kind of appetite and even the smell of it makes me queasy.  Manage to get breakfast down and that is pretty much it for the remainder of the day.  Haven't even stepped on the scale lately.  So very, very tired.  Tried to do some housework today and it took all I had just to sweep the floors.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Day 42

Ok what happened?  Think I was thinking about quitting this blog thing and just forget that I had even started it.  I mean who would ever really know except me, right.  Wrong!!!  God would know and so would those of you that have taken the time to read my postings and posted comments of encouragement.  Why am I such a quitter?  I start something and then find a million reasons why it is ok to quit and then I get mad at myself for doing it.  It tends to be a really vicious circle.  I may skip a few days here and there but I am going to keep comng back here and posting even if it is not what I want to do.

I'm still fighting this nasty flu bug.  Even though for the most part I feel much better I still get so tired and eating is really a chore that I am beginning to hate.  Maybe it is because after I eat I feel sick to my stomach, I really don't understand it.  For a food addict this is extremely difficult to wrap my brain around. 

Right now it is 5:40 a.m. and I have been awake since 4.  Wondering my guilty feelings have anything to do with it.  Also, it is Friday the 13th.  Will it be a lucky day for me for will it be unlucky.  I am not superstitious but it is always amazing to listen to people who actually believe in these things.  It's really just another day.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Day 37


1/2 cup yogurt
1 package instant Apple and Cinnamon oatmeal
1/3 cup 1% milk

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Day 36

Well, I made it to Calgary and back, safe and sound.  The convocation ceremony was lovely and it was great to spend time with my niece and her family.  Still trying to shake this flu.  We went out to Cattle Baron's last night and I ordered a Steak Sandwich with small side Ceasar salad.  Was able to eat about half of it and then had to quit.  Still not much of an appetite and always feel yucky after eating.

Met my niece and her mom for breakfast this morning.  Ordered a mushroom and cheese omelet with hashbrowns and toast.  Again, ate about half of it before beginning to feel queasy.  It was really greasy and did not sit very well. 

Had a deli roast turkey sandwich with lettuce and mayo for dinner this evening.  Trying hard to eat something so that I do not get the shakes.  All weekend have been out of sorts with dizziness, shaking, achy.  Not really feeling sick just not well.  Hope it passes in a couple of days.  If not I guess will have to make a doctor's visit.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Day 35

Had a good nite's rest so feeling better this morning.  Just sitting and enjoying my Maxichinno before breakfast and getting ready to head out to Calgary.  Still not much of an appetite but going to try and get back to 3 meals a day.  Skipping meals is not the answer and even though the lose was good would rather put back on a couple of pounds and work at it properly.

1/2 cup yogurt
1 mandarin orange

Will need to fill in the rest of my meals tomorrow when I get home as I do not have one of those cell phones that lets you do it from where ever.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Day 34

Well I made it to work today.  It was really hard to begin with, seemed as if I had forgotten everything I knew.  Headache was still there and the muscles are still real sore but other than that seem to be on the road to recovery.  Still no appetite to speak of, simply making myself eat so that the shaking stops.  Seems funny for someone that is a food addict to no longer be interested in food.  Is it simply the illness, or will this become permanent.  We will see.

1/2 cup yogurt
1 mandarin orange

2 scrambled eggs
2 slices bacon
1 slice whole wheat toast w/1 teaspoon butter

1 mandarin orange

I didn't have lunch today, just no desire to eat.  But did better with dinner as yesterday that meal was totally skipped.

Taking the day off tomorrow to go to Calgary for my niece's convocation.  May not be able to blog but will try to get in  before I head out.  Really tired this evening so heading off to bed now.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Day 33 - 278.4 lbs

Well I missed yesterday with being so sick.  Basically all I did was sleep, food consisted of very little.

1 slice whole wheat toast w/ 1 teaspoon butter
1/2 cup yogurt
1/2 banana

1/2 cup cottage cheese
1/2 banana

I do vaguely remember being hungry around 2 a.m.  I had 6 soda crackers and a mandarin orange.

Feeling somewhat better today, cough is almost gone but really shaky.  I think once my meals have picked up and I stop the pain meds I will get better faster.  As you can see I have lost a lot of pounds in a couple of days so my strength is really down.  Not that I don't like seeing the lower number but this is not a healthy way to do it.

1/2 cup yogurt
1/2 banana

2 oz smoked tukey breast on 2 slices whole wheat bread w/ 1 tablespoon mayo
1 mandarin orange

Monday, November 2, 2009

Day 31

Well being sick does have it's advantages.  I can't keep much of anything down and have absolutely no appetite.  Trying to take in lots of fluids, including Gatorade to help keep me hydrated.  OH&S at work says I cannot go back to work for 7 days or 24 hours after my cough disappears.  This really sucks, I have to miss two concerts that I have been looking forward to seeing.  Just hope I am better before Friday so I can attend my neice's convocation.

I did force some breakfast down this morning as I have to take the antibiotics with food or they really upset my stomach.

3 4" hotcakes with 1 teaspoon butter and 1 tablespoon sugar free syrup
1/2 cup yogurt

So far for the rest of the day it has been

1 banana
1 ice cream dixie cup
1 bottle of Gatorade

Think that is about all that there will be for today. 

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Day 30 - 289.2 lbs

Finally, back on line.  Our internet went down and it has taken over a week of harassing our provider to get them to admit the problem was theirs.  They insisted that it was the wiring in our house and not the modem as I suspected.  Don't you just hate it when you are right.  Finally had to get them to send a repairman and sure enough he took one look at the modem, replaced it and voila internet back on.

As you can see I have gained some weight back.  I believe that it is because I have not been able to blog and have not been as careful as I should have been.  It has been a really stressful couple of weeks and when I am stressed I eat, nothing new there. 

Had my H1N1 flu shot on Friday and guess what, it made me sick.  So now I am fighting a bad cough, aching muscles, and a sick stomach.  Sometimes the prevention is worse than the illness.  Every muscle in my body aches.  Thankfully no fever or chills, so I think it is just a mild reaction.  Not much of an appetite but I have to try to eat something this morning so that I can take my antibiotics.  These ones are really potent and cause major stomach discomfort but I have to fight off this sinus infection and now this chest infection.  Hopefully once they are finished I will be healthy again.
1 cup Maxwell House Maxichinno
1 slice dry whole wheat toast
1 egg, fried in non-stick pan with vegetable oil spray
1/2 cup fruit yogurt

1 cup tomato rice soup
Turkey Sandwich - 2 slices whole wheat bread, 1 tablespoon Miracle Whip, 2 oz deli smoked turkey breast, lettuce
1 manadarin orange

That was about all the food I could handle for the day.  Just the thought of anything else makes me nauseated.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Day 22 - 286.4 lbs

I know it's been a few days since I posted.  I have been extremely exhausted from the past few days and did not even have the energy to open my blog.  I'm not even sure what day it was, Wednesday I think, but they took my Dad back into emergency in order to install a pacemaker.  So that meant I had to go in real early in the morning if I wanted to see him so as not to make the other members of my family uncomfortable by visiting at the same time they are.  Then we ended up with the sewer pipes breaking in the space over our office and we had to be moved to different offices throughout the hospital till they could find some new office space for us.  So it has been a week from hell.  Then after getting home from attending a wonderful Rally for my support group I find a message on Facebook from my brother.  He thinks I have become best friends with his ex-wife, just because I offered to have coffee with her when she was in town, and now he wants nothing to do with me.  My version of Family Feud, will it ever end.

I'll be honest I have not been keeping track of what I've been eating.  It's been such a messed up week and I have been so tired that I really didn't care what I ate.  I obviously didn't do to bad though as the scale this morning was 286.4, so I have managed to maintain a lose and under the circumstances that it almost a miracle to my way of thinking.

Someone left me a comment that I should get myself and my husband on a diabetic diet so that his sugars could be brought under control and I would be able to lose weight.  Bless her/his heart but it is the diet that his doctor gave him that I have been trying to follow.  My problem is that I let my emotions get in the way of my sensibility and they everything goes out the door.  Sometimes I think I need a shrink instead of a food plan.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Day 17 - 286.4 lbs

Well it's Monday morning and that means back to work.  It also means support group meeting tonite and weight in.

3/4 shreddies
1/3 cup 1% milk
1/2 teaspoon white sugar
3/4 cup grapefruit
3/4 cup low fat yogurt

2 oz deli corned beef on 2 slices whole wheat bread with mustard
1 Chinese mandarin orange

4 oz grilled sirloin steak
1/2 stuffed potato
1 cup mixed steamed vegetables (brocoli, cauliflower, carrots)
1 slice garlic toast
1 cup beef vegetable soup

Weigh in went well, down .4 from 2 weeks ago so that means that I have managed to keep the 5.4 pounds that I lost off plus add another 1/2 pound to the total lost.  Not the greatest loss but definitely better than a gain.

Got home from my meeting to messages from my sister and brother that dad was in the hospital and they are putting in a pace maker in the morning.  Glad they found out what was wrong. 

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Day 16

A good day today.  Had some great talks with hubby.  Went to sunday school and church, listened to a great sermon.  Spent the rest of the day getting my vehicle fueled up and washed for work tomorrow.  Had some paperwork to take care of before meeting tomorrow night.  Hubby's sugars have been normal since this morning, it has been a glorious day. 

2 oz back bacon
1 egg fried in non stick pan with vegetable spray
1 slice dry whole wheat toast
3/4 cup grapefruit
3/4 cup yogurt
1 pkg Maxwell House Maxiccino

Chef's salad with lettuce, cucmber, tomato, 3 oz roast turkey breast and 2 tablespoons calorie wise ranch dressing
Chinese mandarin orange

4 oz roast pork tenderloin
1 cup plain mashed potatoes
2 tablespoon gravy
8 asparagus spears - steamed
1/2 cup fat free butterscotch pudding

As you can see I have up the amount of protien in each meal.  I am hoping this will help take care of some of the cravings.

Tomorrow morning is weigh in so we will see what happens.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Day 15

Well it's early in the morning and already the day is in crisis mode.  Hubby woke up this morning with blood sugars at 25.9 and a screaming headache.  Beginning to think that it is going to be one of those weeks where not too much goes right.  Can only hope and pray that all this does not affect my food too much.  Actually, in spite of everything I am quite looking forward to getting back on track today.  Enough of this pity party nonsense, time to suck it up and take affirmative action.

Well finally got hubby's sugars down to 6.8 and he is feeling much better.  It's been a very busy day.  Went to Costco to order my new glasses.  Couldn't believe it, they were half the price that the fancy places wanted and better quality to my way of thinking.  Stocked up on some necessities and fruit.  Came back into town and stopped at Canadian Tire to check out a bread maker for the future daughter in law for Christmas.  Finished picking up groceries at Save-on.  Hurried home and unpacked them, had lunch and then off to a Victorian Epicure paty.  First time I have seen this product and was rather impressed, ordered some to use as Christmas gifts. 

As the Epicure party was dip and seasonings had a few tastes but nothing to amount to a whole lot.  Keep the food on track today and feeling much better.

2 frozen Eggo pancakes with 1/2 teaspoon butter and 1 tablespoon sugar free syrup
3/4 of a cup yogurt

2 oz deli corned beef on 2 slices whole wheat bread with mustard
1 Chinese mandarin orange

1 cup mashed potatoes
3 oz mild Italian sausage
1/2 cup french green beans
1/2 cup manadarin orange pieces

Friday, October 16, 2009

Day 14

It's  been a long, long day.  It started at 6:45 this morning with a call from my dad saying he wasn't feeling good and would I take him to ER.  Sat there till 11:00 a.m., thankfully nothing serious.  Took him home and then went to work.  Crammed 6 hours of work into 3 and am totally exhausted.

I was in such a hurry this morning that I didn't have a chance to eat breakfast.  It was finally 1:0 p,m, before I was able to get something to eat.  By then I had a major headache and my blood sugars and really dropped. 

1 piece of battered fish
1/2 cup coleslaw
10 - 15 french fries

Got home, totally exhausted but made a decent meal with proper portions and felt much better after eating.

2/3 cup spaghetti
1/2 cup meatless sauce
2 oz meatballs
green salad with 1 tablespoon calorie wise french dressing

So I am back on track even after having a not so great lunch.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day 13

Well today is my 57th birthday and I've done some heavy thinking about how I am going to manage doing this.  First of all I am not going to do a daily weigh in any more.  Instead it will only be every 5 days or so.  I think doing it daily leads to more stress especially if it goes up and down.  Once every few days will be a more accurate picture.

I watched an interview with Valerie B on abcnews.go.com last night regarding her struggle to lose weight and get her life in order.  It was really interesting especially the part where she talks about the weight being a mask and how weight lose is just one part of the problem.  It made a lot of sense to me after I watched it a couple of times.

Also started reading a book by Kay Sheppard and realize that I cannot heal my body without healing my mind.  The next goal is to work on that aspect as well.

No food plan today as I did good for breakfast and lunch but hubby ordered pizza for supper and even though I was good it is definitely not on my menu list.  Tomorrow starts a brand new day and with it a chance to deal with all the excess baggage as well as the weight.

Decided to post what I ate.

3/4 cup of rice krispies
3 oz 1% milk with 1/2 teaspoon sugar
1/4 cantaloupe

2 oz canned ham with green onion and 1 tablespoon mayo on
2 slices whole wheat bread
6 oz V8 juice
1 banana

4 pieces ham and mushroom pizza (1/2 of a 12 inch), I know it was a little much

Good nite and God bless!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day 12 - 286.2 lbs

Yes, you are reading that correctly, another gain.  I am in a really bad mood this morning.  First the gain, then hubby gets up at 5 a.m. and turns on his light, no more sleeping for me.  Then I go to leave for work and he asks me why so early and I replied it was 10 to 8 and he didn't bother to tell me that it was actually only 10 to 7.  So I get in my vehicle and head down the street and the radio says it is 5 to 7.  I turned around and came home and spend half an hour shovelling snow to vent my frustrations.  Look out anyone that gets in my way today cuz I don't think I can look at anything pleasantly right now.

My 12 step meeting last night was on dealing with being in the moment.  Well believe me I am certainly in the moment this morning.  Right now I'd like to kick something and definitely not thinking about the future consequences of my actions.......grrrrrrrrr.

My oldest son turns 38 today, another hard moment to live with as that makes me old and getting older.  Where has all the time gone.

3/4 cup yogurt
1 banana

Well my mood did not impove too much throughout the day nor did my eating habits.  Went right off the deep end again today.  Couldn't follow a meal plan if it jumped out and landed right in front of my eyes.  We discussed allergies to wheat and sugar last night at step study but I am not totally convinced that is the problem.  I think the problem is that I give up too easy and then have a hard time getting back on track.  I was so excited when I started this blog thinking it was the thing to do.  But again I think I had convinced myself that it was the perfect solution and would work with no effort on my part.  My brain seems to be divided in two; the sensible side and then nonsensible side.  The sensible side has me knowing the right and wrong things to do and when/when not to do them.  The nonsensible side just lets me go on making an ass out of myself and screwing everything up.  Do I dare say that tomorrow will be a better day?  I thought today would be but that proved to be a lost thought as it did not materialize. 

The doctor told my hubby today that if he doesn't get his diabetes under control his kidneys are going to shut down.  He actually got mad at him and told him he obviously didn't know how to eat or handle a diabetic lifestyle.  The past 3 weeks we have been watching his diet, he's been getting some exercise and still the numbers are out of scope.  Not sure what I can do to help.  Did dig out my diabetic guide to proper eating book tonite.  It has meal plans for 365 days so will have to try that as the one I am using now is not helping him.

I'm beginning to think that this crap never stops.  I have to worry about him as well as try to get myself under control.  Oh God, where do I start.  Despair seems to be my middle name lately.  I really need to give myself a good swift kick in the butt and stop with the pity parties.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Day 11 - 285.6 lbs

13 Oct 09

A new day, a new beginning.  I was happy with the scale today, especially after the day I had yesterday.  I truly believe that God spared me from total embarrassment and offered me a chance to redeem myself.

3/4 cup yogurt
3/4 rice krispies with 3 oz 1% milk, 1/2 teaspoon white sugar
1/2 cup canned mixed fruit

1 cup Italian Wedding soup
1 small dinner roll with 1 tablespoon peanut butter
1/2 cup applesauce

6 inch sub bun with 1 oz deli ham, 1 thin processed cheese slice, 1 teaspoon mayo

Had to eat a quick dinner tonite as I spent most of the afternoon after work trying to find an affordable pair of glasses.  The ones I have now need to be updated but I am refusing to pay upwards of $800 for a new pair of glasses.  It is definitely highway robbery.  What happens to the poor people trying to live on minimum wage and needing eye wear.  Not sure why they need to be so costly.  Will try Costco's on the weekend and see what they have for pricing.

Busy day at work what with it having been a long weekend.  Got caught up on most paperwork, have a few corrections to do tomorrow.  Went up to see how my uncle was doing.  His body is still not processing meals.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Day 10 - 285.4 lbs

12 Oct 09

Yep, I did it, managed to gain 2 pounds yesterday and only walked 1449 steps (.72 miles).  No excuses other than I thought I was in control and obviously that was not the case.  We drove for 4 hours so that would account for the lessor steps, but I could have gone for a walk and didn't.  Was I in control, NOT, but I thought back to what I had eaten and it was definitely carb laden and way too much.  Good trial run for the upcoming Christmas season.  Need to learn to have more self-disipline.  Anyway, I am not going to dwell on it but get back on track today.  Have lots of housework to do so that should shed a few calories.

Today has been a total write off right from the start.  I got into everything I could find to get into and then some.  Don't know what came over me but I can bet that the scale is gonna be right back where I started 10 days ago tomorrow.  It really sucks but that is life and I should have known yesterday would send me over the edge.

Looking forward to a brand new day tomorrow.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Day 9 - 283.4 lbs

11 Oct 09
283.4 lbs and 7021 steps (3.51 miles)

Today is Thanksgiving day here in Canada and we are going to my son's to celebrate.  Going to approach this big meal with an eating out attitude and hopefully it will not show on the scale tomorrow.

1 slice dry whole wheat toast
1 oz back bacon
1 egg, fried in non-stick pan
3/4 cup of raspberry yogurt

Made it through the day not too badly.  Ate conservatively at Thanksgiving lunch/dinner.  Didn't have my scale with me but think I did ok, scale will tell tomorrow.  I must admit that I did have a piece of pumpkin pie but it is Thanksgiving after all.

Spent a great afternoon with sister and her husband, my son and his family.  Still miss the old days when the whole family would gather at Mom and Dad's.  It really hit home how separated our family has become when I read on Facebook that the one brother that speaks to me was at Mom and Dad's with the rest of the family that won't give me the time of day.  It is a sad day indeed when a family gets split over stupid little things.  Oh well, not much I can do about it.

Still full from earlier so going to just have some fruit and a piece of toast and then back to the food plan tomorrow.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Day 8 - 284.8 lbs

10 Oct 09
284.8 pounds, 6793 steps (3.4 miles)

Up half a pound from yesterday, probably just fluid.  Going to try adding more protien to the food plan today.  Carbs seem to be sitting at a good level but maybe overdoing it a bit with the fruit so will cut back on that and add more vegetables.  Just need to balance them out.

1 package instant regular oatmeal with 3 oz 1% milk & 1/2 teaspoon brown sugar
3/4 cup peach yogurt
1/2 cup blueberries
Maxwell House Instant Maxachinno (60) calories - this is my weekend treat as I don't drink regular coffee

Grilled cheese sandwich:
2 slices whole wheat bread
1 1/2 slices processed thin cheese slices
1 teaspoon butter

1 cup tomato rice soup
1/2 cup blueberries with 1/4 cup sherbert

Gourmet Hamburger
1 whole wheat hamburger bun
3 oz lean hamburger patty (cooked weight)
1 think slice deli pepper ham
1 thin slice processed cheese
1 teaspoon green relish & mustard

1 cup cooked savoy cabbage
1 6" corn on the cob sprayed with liquid Becel

Been a really busy day today.  Trying out new multi-focal contact lenses.  Seem to be ok but time will tell.  Did grocery shopping, laundry, made pies for tomorrow.  Even snuck in a 2 hour nap this afternoon, seeing as I was up at 4:30.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Day 7 - 284.2 lbs

09 Oct 09
Wow one whole week has gone by since I started this.  284.2 pounds this morning and I forgot my step counter yesterday so I will just take an average and say 5000 (2.5 miles).

Had a drop in blood sugars last night just before going to bed.  Got dizzy and felt faint so had 2 tablespoons of peanut butter and went to bed.  Seemed to work as I woke up fine.

1 slice dry whole wheat toast
1 egg fried in non-stick pan with vegetable spray
1/2 cup blueberries
3/4 cup blueberry yogurt

Bran Muffin with 2 teaspoons butter

1 oz deli ham with 2 slices whole wheat bread, lettuce and mustard
1 cup mixed fresh fruit (watermelon, cantaloupe, pineapple, grapes, orange slice)

1 cup spaghetti
2 oz meatballs
1/2 cup non-meat spaghetti sauce
green salad (lettuce, cucumber, tomato)
1 tablespoon calorie wise French dressing
4 oz canned tropical fruit salad

A reader caught an error I made in my weight this morning.  Looked like I lost 100 pounds instead of the 6 that I actually did...lol.  That's what happens when I get up to early in the morning and we have a power failure before I have a change to read what I have written.

Had a good day today.  It is our 10th anniversary and hubby got me flowers, plus it is our daughter's birthday.  Went to visit my uncle, he was still in ER as they did not have a bed for him upstairs yet.  He looked good and except for his body not processing food he's doing good.  Hopefully they can fix that and he will be able to go home.

Bladder surgery has been set back to Oct 30th from the 21st.  Gives me another 9 days to get some more pounds off.

This will be a very busy weekend what with it being Thanksgiving and all.  Have an eye appointment in the morning, then have to get some shopping done and pies made.  Going to my son's for Thanksgiving so that will be nice.  Going to make this short and sweet today as I am tired and just want to relax for a bit.  Have to make my shopping lists for tomorrow as well so that means meal planning for another week.  I feel good about the week and have managed to stay focused and on track.  Hubby had lunch with a friend today and they had fish and chips.  Said it made him feel queasy and it was all my fault because of all the healthy food I've been making him eat.  Rather proud of myself as he did ask if I wanted to go out for supper and I actually said no.  Unbelievable.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Day 6 - 285.4 lbs

08 Oct 09
285.4 pounds 5351 steps (2.68 miles)

Well I just about blew it last evening.  I was getting things ready for my lunch today and without thinking cut a small slice of cheese and popped it in my mouth.  Wrong thing to do as that just led to all kinds of thoughts going through my head.  I looked at the loaf of bread on the counter and thought what the heck, no one will know.  Wanted to take the bread and pile on the peanut butter and just literally pig out.  Even had my hand on the knife but I managed to talk myself out of it and decided to make a better choice.  So I had instead:

3 teaspoons raspberry sherbet
1 bag Thinsations Shortbread Cookies
as well as the small piece of cheese

I probably didn't need any of it but I realized that when I have these urges I need to quiet them with something.  It's just a matter of substituting the good for the bad.  I never thought about how honest I need to be with myself, never mind others, when I get these urges.  Honesty is going to become the main focus of this blog I think. 

As hubby said last evening we need to look at food as simply fuel for our bodies.  Once we get that concept imprinted in our minds it should get easier.

3/4 cup of rice krispies with 3 oz 1% milk and 1/2 teaspoon sugar
3/4 cup of blueberries
3/4 cup of raspberry yogurt

I must note here that I had thought the containers of yogurt I am using were 1/2 cup but they are actually 3/4.  It does make a difference as far as calorie count goes (35) but I want to be accurate in my food record.

Bran Muffin w/ 2 teaspoons butter

1/2 protien bar
1 cup raw celery and carrots
1/2 cup applesauce
2 oz hard cheddar cheese

3 oz baked salmon with 1 tsp salad dressing & 1 tsp sour cream blended, spread over the top and sprinkled with parmesian cheese sprinkled on it  - delicious
2/3 cup coucous mixed with 1/2 cup brocoli
1 canned pear w/juice

Think we had dinner to early today, feeling kind of hungry right now.  Never sure if it is hunger or compulsive overeating.  Will not have anything tonite as I think that I over did it yesterday.  You will notice that I have added a snack in the morning.  This serves two purposes 1) provides me some additional fiber and 2) I tend to get too hungry between breakfast and lunch. 

It's been an awful day weather wise, snowing and blowing, I'm in no way wanting winter to be here yet.  It's way to early.  The roads were horrid on the main highways with lots of accidents.

My mom and brother's birthday today.  I sent mom flowers but that is all that I can do as we have a very strained relationship.  Hopefully she will enjoy them.  Sent brother a message on Facebook but didn't call him as he said he had been drinking all afternoon and I just can't deal with that.  My aunt called and said my uncle was back in the hospital here.  He is fighting colon cancer and so far not doing real good.  I will go up and see him tomorrow.  Never rains but it pours. 

Other than that just an ordinary day.  I did stop at the tire shop on the way home to price out some all season tires for the SUV, that's gonna cost an arm and a leg.  The price we pay to have the freedom of mobility.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Day 5 - 285.6 lbs

07 Oct 09
285.6 pounds, 5837 steps (2.92 miles).  Looking good.  I woke up this morning with a feeling of accomplishment.  This is my fifth day and I have not faltered.  Normally by now I would have given up and just started eating everything in sight.  On my way home from meeting last night I heard an ad on the radio regarding a weight lose clinic and how this gentleman has lost a 130 pounds in 8 months.  The one thing that struck me was he said "it works, if you work it".  That is a saying from my 12 twelve step program and I thought about how I had tried this particular clinic and I lost very little weight and lots of money.  To top it off the food was absolutely disgusting due to all the heavy sauces and gravies they used to try to make it taste appealing.  I don't need to spend $150 a week on prepackaged food to accomplish my goal.  I'm not even sure that I will lose 130 pounds in 8 months, but I refuse to go back onto these quick fix programs.  This has to be a life style change not a quick fix.

3/4 cup bran flakes with 2 oz 1% milk
1/2 cup peach yogurt
4 canned plums and juice

Bran muffin

1 cup beef barley soup
4 oz V8 juice
1 cup raw vegetables (celery, cucumber, cauliflower, broccoli with 1 tablespoon ranch dressing)
1 cup mixed raw fruit (watermelon, cantaloupe, pineapple, orange slice)

Shrimp Stirfry:
2 oz shrimp
1 cup vegetables (carrots, celery, green peppers, green onion)
1 tsp Italian salad dressing

2/3 cup brown rice
1 cup steamed broccoli

1 cup diet jello with 1 tablespoon lite coolwhip

The day was ok other than just before dinner.  I decided to lay down and have a half hour nap before beginning to prepare dinner.  I dozed for about 15 minutes and then started to think about all the things in the fridge that I should be eating.  I mean literally, I wanted to get up and go to the fridge and clean up whatever there was available.  It took me a few minutes to talk myself down but I managed to quiet the thoughts and things went back to normal.

I should explain how I am preparing my meals as it probably seems like a lot of work to go to just for such a small meal.  What I do is decide what we are having and then I measure of the amount of ingredients that I think will be enough for my husband and myself.  Once I have prepared the meal then I measure everything out for myself and the remainder goes to my husband unless I think that it may go over his alloted portions.  I'm getting pretty good at judging what is needed and I am really trying to cook lots of vegetables so that if we do go over it is healthy and calorie wise.

At this point I am struggling with the 1500 calorie meal plans that I printed off of a website.  I find some of the items a bit out of the ordinary for us and our tastes so I am adjusting and substituting what I think with be healthy alternatives.

Hubby said tonite he will not be beaten by a girl.  We'll see.

I had hubby take a picture of me from the neck down just so you can see what I am working on.  Even though it is a horrible picture I don't feel too bad about it.  I have to accept that this is who I am at the moment and that it is going to change slowly over the next little while.  Rome was not built in a day nor did all this excess weight show up overnight.  I cannot expect it to disappear immediately.  Patience, which I sometimes lack, will come into play over the next while I am sure.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Day 4 - 287.2 lbs

06 Oct 09
Weight 287.2 pounds and 5453 steps (2.73 miles).  Okay so there is a .2 pound gain from yesterday.  Not going to get excited about it.  Thinking it was a combination of the dessert for lunch and eating out last night.  Even though I was careful last night I probably over did it a bit and the food of course was prepared differently than what I would at home.  Next time think I will look at the senior's menu and see if there is a smaller version of the Steak Sandwich also have to pass up the dessert for lunch and have a fruit instead, groan.  But if I am to succeed at this I have to learn my limitations.  An old saying comes to mind "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips".  Last night at meeting we had a progam on journaling and it really hit home as to how important it is.  Statistics show that 85% of people will have a better time with weight lose than those that don't. 

1 egg fried in non stick pan with vegetable spray
1 oz back bacon
1 slice dry whole wheat toast
1/2 cup raspberry yogurt
1 orange

green tea
raisin bran muffin

1 wiener and bun

2 oz parmesan chicken
1 small baked potato with 1 teaspoon sour cream
1 cup cauliflower
4 canned plums

Had a bran muffin this morning due to a small digestive problem that required a bit of fibre.  Screwed up at lunch as I thought the cafeteria would have a soup that I could have rather than taking some from home.  All they had was cream or pasta soups so I decided to not have any.  It really didn't bother me and I didn't feel hungry.

Tonite I have my 12 step meeting and I am going to give my sponsor my blog site address.  She deserves some of the credit for my starting it as it was her choice of movie that had us go see Julie & Julia.  She's an amazing lady and puts up with a lot of crap out of me so hopefully by doing this and following my 12 steps I will be able to repay her in some small way.

Hubby was a little put out when I told him of my lose of 5.4 pounds, being as he's supposed to have been working with me on this and hasn't really lost anything.  Says it had him really thinking this morning.  Thnk you God, for showing him what he can have if he just follows the plan.  I think he also now sees how hard it has been for me dealing with a food addiction for all these years.

What an awesome 12 step meeting.  The power was out at the church where we meet so it was decided to have a get to know you meeting.  Thank you God for this wonderful opportunity and to allow me to see that so many others suffer from the same disease that I do.  It is amazing how both my support meetings this week have been about journaling.  It is truly fantastic.  I can see now that God had put the answer before me all along I just never had the common sense to see it for what it was.  Even if no one ever reads this blog I will know in my heart that it was the right thing to do.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 3 - 287 lbs

05 Oct 09
Good morning!  Well scale reads 287 pounds.  Step counter read 4730 steps (2.37 miles).  Doing good here so far.  I don't want to think about it, but unfortunately my brain says otherwise, and still wondering if I can do this.  I thought for sure last evening's episode with my son would have thrown me off course but I managed to stay focused.  What will today bring as it is Monday and my weight loss group meeting and back to work.

Work is a difficult place for me as I work in a hospital.  They have a fantastic kitchen and when we go for morning coffee everyone usually has something to eat.  Today I am going to try and just get by with a cup of green tea.  I have to learn that I do not need to do as everyone else does.  The same goes for this evening.  Usually we go out for supper after the meeting.  Tonight I am going to try ordering a Steak Sandwich and eating only half of it.  I suppose I could skip going but I enjoy the socialization.  So these are my commitments for today.

3/4 cup rice krispies
3 oz 1% milk
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 canned peach

Macaroni Salad:
2/3 cup cooked macaroni
1 1/2 cups raw vegetables (green onion, cucumber, celery, green pepper)
2 oz mozerella cheese cubes
2 tablespoons of salad dressing

1 half piece of lemon square (1" wide x 2" long x 1.5" high) made with graham cracker crumbs, lemon pudding and whipped cream

Dinner (going to try eating out by knowing before hand what I will order)
Steak Sandwich with baked potato, vegetables and garlic toast
Garden salad with small amount of dressing

So far it has been a good day, will see what happens this evening. If I can make it through this challenge I should be good to go.

Well I did it, ate out and managed quite well.  Ordered my dinner as above and put half the meat and potato in a take home container before I even began to eat.  Thought I would eat a whole slice of garlic toast and ended up bringing half of that home as well.

Weigh in was good tonite, down 5.4 pounds from 2 weeks ago.  Now I must explain here that I weighed in at 289.4 pounds tonight and it is different from what you see at the beginning of my blog each day.  The reason being is that when I weigh at home each morning it is without clothes on.  This gives me a better perspective of my actual weight as different sets of clothes can weigh different amounts.  But it was a good lose and I am proud of myself for doing it and keeping it all together tonight.  Atta girl!!!!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Day 2 - 288.8 lbs

04 Oct 09
Now comes the point where I have to decide to be brutally honest with everyone or not say anything and figure no one will know the difference. Honesty it is. Did really well yesterday till hubby decided at 8:30 he wanted Dairy Queen and we have 2 for 1 coupons. Yep, you are right, I sucombed to a Peanut Buster Parfait. I must not become complacent about this even though the scale said 288.8 pounds this morning. A lose is a good thing but I do not want to convince myself that I can lose and still have treats. For yesterday my step counter registered 6730 (3.37 miles), need to get this up to 10,000 a day. I wonder if anyone will ever read this blog or will it just be like journaling for me? Either way it will keep me honest.

Meal plan for today:

3/4 cup rice krispies
3 oz 1% milk
1/2 teaspoon white sugar
1/2 cup raspberry yogurt
1 cup cranberry/raspberry juice

2 slices whole wheat bread
2 tablespoons peanut butter
1 banana

1 medium carrot - raw

2 oz baked pork chop
1 cup stovetop stuffing
1 cup cauliflower
1 1/4 cups cubed watermelon

1/2 cup raspberry sherbert

You may be wondering why I am using real sugar on my cereal.  Well, I am trying not to put any unknown chemicals in my body and articifical sweetners and margarine contain lots of chemicals.  So for the purpose of this project I will be using real sugar, butter and as many regular products as I can.  The yogurt that I am using does contain Splenda but it is almost the last ingredient listed so I feel that is okay.  We live in a world where foods are prepared with the fitness craze high on the list of priorities and in order to make them taste good they add extra fat, salt and sugar.  So my theory is that I can obtain my goal without the use of a lot of "diet products".  There are some things that will fall into that category such as my salad dressings but I use the calorie wise not the fat free as they have more sugar in them.

I managed to resist temptation at church this morning as Banana Bread and Tim Horton donuts were being served.  As long as I didn't go near the table I didn't find it that hard to resist.

Normally I would not have a snack in the evening but my emotions were running high tonite.  My son upset me.  He was out drinking and not bothering to give a thought to how his girlfriend sitting at home would feel about it.  Sometimes he reminds me to much of his dad.  I really wanted to just head for the fridge, cupboard or anywhere that there might be food.  But I settled for a small serving of sherbert instead.  Still not over the angry feeling and I will tell him how it makes me feel when I get a chance.  How I hate it when they are drinking......

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Day 1 - 290.8 lbs

03 Oct 09
Yesterday I saw the movie Julia & Julie and thought if she could cook her way through a cookbook in one year by blogging perhaps it would work for me as a journey to weight lose. I've tried lots of other methods but never really been accountable to anyone but myself. This will make me accountable to the world. Today I weighed in at 190.8 pounds on a 5 foot 1 inch frame. Talk about being overweight! So if you are reading this and wish to share a comment I ask that you do not be rude or judgmental. Rather encouraging and helpful. Each day I will post my food plan and activities. By doing this I make a commitment to you the readers and to myself to ensure that I stick to it and get it done. I have one year from today to reach my goal weight of 155 pounds. Can I do it? That remains to be seen but with God's help and your encouragement I do so hope so.

Well it's been a busy day so far. Done the grocery shopping and cleaned up the yard before the snow comes. Did my grocery shopping from a list today which is totally out of the norm for me as usually I just wing it. Made out my food plan this morning for the next week and only bought what I needed. That's a new concept as well.

Today my food plan has consisted of:

1 slice dry whole wheat toast
1 egg fried in non stick pan with vegetable spray
1 container 0 fat yogurt
1 cup cranberry/raspberry juice

Salad made with:
2 oz cooked shrimp
2/3 cup couscous
2 spears asparagus steamed
5 grape tomatoes

4 oz canned grapefruit

2 oz grilled steak
1 cup potatoes au grautin
1 cup french green beans
1 1/4 cups cubed watermelon

Well that's it for the day. Seems like a nice healthy mixture of food. Seemed to satisfy, but this is only day one. I am sure that the cravings will return with a vengence once I am a little more relaxed. But for now it is one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. There was a bit of a struggle earlier this afternoon. I really wasn't hungry but had a terrible urge to eat, I had a cup of green tea instead and that did the trick.