Friday, November 27, 2009

Day 55

Finally starting to feel human again.  This past month has been the worst of my life for being sick.  This flu just hung on and hung on.  No energy, not being able to sleep, no appetite, throat feeling like it was going to close off most of the time.  Even though I do feel a 100% better than I did, I am not 100% yet.

I've really fallen off the wagon, so to speak, this last month.  The no appeitite has led to all kinds of food errors and I have not stepped on the scale for some time now.  I am most terrified of what I will see for numbers.

Something happened today that made me realize that I really need to get my act together and get this weight off before it kills me (literally).  I was booked for day surgery at the end of October that I had to postpone due to being ill so it was rescheduled for today.  I got up and had my shower, had the neighbor drive me to the hospital, went through all the admission paperwork, even made it as far as the operating room...then it happened.  They put an oxygen mask on me and I had a major panic attack.  I just knew that if they put me under at this weight I would not be waking up again.  So to make a long story short, I  canceled the surgery.  I felt silly at first and then after talking to some of the nurses realized that I did the right thing by going with my gut instinct.  I was so scared of going to sleep and never waking up that it pertified me.  Now for a normal person of normal weight it would have been a breeze, 15 minutes under and back to the real world.  I have just been feeling so crappy this past month that I could not go through with it.

This did make me stop and think about the dangers of going under when at a high weight.  All the precautions in the world could not prevent something from happening.  I feel bad that I wasted everyone's time but I feel that God was telling me to do this and answered my prayers before I had gone to the operating room.  I believe this was His way of telling me that He is giving me another chance and that I need to do something about my attitude and actions if I want to live to a ripe old age.  This was genuinely a scare that I will not be ignoring.  Starting tomorrow I am getting back into gear and this weight is going to head to the big fat farm in the sky.  Enough procastination and thinking that I will live forever no matter what my weight.  What a stupid, perverted way of thinking that is.

Thank you God for showing me the error of my ways and for letting me have another chance to heal my distorted body.

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