Saturday, November 12, 2011

How do I realize what is killing me?

Things have gotten better and worse for us.  Hubby is getting worse and still no relief in site.  Doctor wanted another specialist opinion but they say since he has already seen one they don't want to see him.  Now his doctor is saying it is not what he thought but he has no idea what it is.  So back to the square one only difference between now and 4 years ago is that back then he could walk for more than five minutes.  Now five minutes of walking is almost impossible.

We got some finances straightened out so that we are good for another year and a half or so.  Hopefully by then there will be something happening with the insurance company.  Means we have to watch every penny and stretch them as far as possible but at least we will have the pennies to stretch.

As for me and my weight problem, well it is still a problem.  Some days more than others.  Lately all I want to do is cook and eat.  I want to make all the things I know I shouldn't and then eat every bite of it.  For instance I made a slow cooker of beef stew today with lots and lots of vegetables.  Had two helpings, not really so bad till I add the 4 homemade dinner rolls I had to go with it,

Not sure why I made the rolls just needed to cook something and it seemed like the right thing to go with the stew.  Am I concious of what I am doing?  You bet.  Do I want to do it?  No, but that doesn't seem to matter to my brain.

Each day I wake up and think ok today is the day, I can do this.  Eat sensibly, small portions, no junk food, no extra breads.........well that lasts about as long as it takes me to get the thought into my head.  I can make it through breakfast and lunch but then comes dinner time and I am a pig.  Doesn't matter if I had a snack in the afternoon or not, I still fill up till I can't breath and then wonder what the hell I am doing.

I'm on a fast train to no where and haven't a clue how to apply the brakes.  Anyone got any suggestions?