Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day 12 - 286.2 lbs

Yes, you are reading that correctly, another gain.  I am in a really bad mood this morning.  First the gain, then hubby gets up at 5 a.m. and turns on his light, no more sleeping for me.  Then I go to leave for work and he asks me why so early and I replied it was 10 to 8 and he didn't bother to tell me that it was actually only 10 to 7.  So I get in my vehicle and head down the street and the radio says it is 5 to 7.  I turned around and came home and spend half an hour shovelling snow to vent my frustrations.  Look out anyone that gets in my way today cuz I don't think I can look at anything pleasantly right now.

My 12 step meeting last night was on dealing with being in the moment.  Well believe me I am certainly in the moment this morning.  Right now I'd like to kick something and definitely not thinking about the future consequences of my actions.......grrrrrrrrr.

My oldest son turns 38 today, another hard moment to live with as that makes me old and getting older.  Where has all the time gone.

3/4 cup yogurt
1 banana

Well my mood did not impove too much throughout the day nor did my eating habits.  Went right off the deep end again today.  Couldn't follow a meal plan if it jumped out and landed right in front of my eyes.  We discussed allergies to wheat and sugar last night at step study but I am not totally convinced that is the problem.  I think the problem is that I give up too easy and then have a hard time getting back on track.  I was so excited when I started this blog thinking it was the thing to do.  But again I think I had convinced myself that it was the perfect solution and would work with no effort on my part.  My brain seems to be divided in two; the sensible side and then nonsensible side.  The sensible side has me knowing the right and wrong things to do and when/when not to do them.  The nonsensible side just lets me go on making an ass out of myself and screwing everything up.  Do I dare say that tomorrow will be a better day?  I thought today would be but that proved to be a lost thought as it did not materialize. 

The doctor told my hubby today that if he doesn't get his diabetes under control his kidneys are going to shut down.  He actually got mad at him and told him he obviously didn't know how to eat or handle a diabetic lifestyle.  The past 3 weeks we have been watching his diet, he's been getting some exercise and still the numbers are out of scope.  Not sure what I can do to help.  Did dig out my diabetic guide to proper eating book tonite.  It has meal plans for 365 days so will have to try that as the one I am using now is not helping him.

I'm beginning to think that this crap never stops.  I have to worry about him as well as try to get myself under control.  Oh God, where do I start.  Despair seems to be my middle name lately.  I really need to give myself a good swift kick in the butt and stop with the pity parties.

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