Catching Up ......

First, let's get the bad/good news out of the way.  I was down when I weighed in on Saturday, definitely not where I had hoped to be but down just the same.  So I am now back to where I was when I started my self challenge on July 1st.  It's hard to think I wasted over 3 weeks without losing anything, I think the stress over this whole anniversary thing did me in. 

First off an explanation of Stampede Week - it would be the equivalent to your county fairs.  There is a big parade, rides, midway, and lots of music.  I don't usually go to the fair grounds as I cannot handle all the people.  When I was younger I went a lot but I find my phobia of crowded places gets worse as I get older.

Now on to the anniversary celebration.  I have so many mixed feelings that you are all going to be wondering when I was ever gonna quit writing once you start reading.  My youngest sister and BIL arrived on Friday evening around 7 p.m., we had BBQ for supper and then her and I worked till 1:30 in the morning to finish the memory quilt that she was making for them.  I let everyone sleep in the next morning till around 10 and then we had breakfast.  By the time clean up was done it was time to make the sandwiches and get ready to go.  Now if you have been following my postings you know there is lots of family dysfunction in my family.  Hubby did not want to go and complained bitterly the whole time we were getting ready.  He did promise me that he would not start any throuble but would not back down from it either, so he discreetly clipped his switchblade to the inside of his pants pocket.  I seen it there but made no comment because I did not need the hassle and he was looking for every excuse in the book so he didn't have to go.

Arrived at the hall and of course all the smokers were hanging around the outside of the door as they couldn't smoke inside.  My other sister is standing there and I just walked on in without acknowledging her as she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 years.  Wasn't sure how my Mom was going to act when she seen me but I thought I have nothing to lose so went over to where they were sitting.  I almost fell over when she actually spoke to me and introduced to some of their friends that were there.  Was it all an act, I think so.  I think they just decided to make the best of it and not have to try to explain why I wasn't there so it was easier for her to acknowledge me for the day.  Do I think have things changed, no I don't believe so.  I think it has all reverted to what it was before and she won't speak to me again to the next time she has to.  She did let me give her a hug which is surprising.  The last time I tried to give her a hug she drove the tip of her cane into my foot and then turned away.

My oldest son was there and there of course have been issues with him as well.  A few years back he almost cost us our home and everything we had.  We had helped him to get a townhouse so he could start his life over and he got back into the drugs and stopped making payments on it.  He had gotten the mortgage because we had vouched for his character at the bank.  So we had to come up with the money to cover the arrears and then had to fight like crazy to get it put into our name.  He had taken a 2nd mortgage out on it so I had to convine that lender to remove the mortgage and go after him personally because even if it went to foreclosure they wouldn't get anything.  There were several other incidents that caused me to have to cut him out of my life until he grew up and got a handle on reality.  About a year ago I attended the funeral for my grandson's other grandfather and saw him there so I thought I'd go slow and see if there was anything there worth rebuilding a relationship on.  So we talked on the phone a few times and I met him once for lunch when he was in town.

I was excited to see him as he had gotten engaged and I had not yet met her.  Well that was anything but pleasant.  He did introduce me to her and then rather than sitting down and letting me get to know her they went to the other side of the hall and that's where they stayed.  I was looking forward to developing a relationship with her but that will never happen now.  That is one wedding I will not be attending, I realize now that he doesn't want me in his life and it is probably for the better.  He has all the other relations to turn to so why would he need me.  It makes me sad but I cannot go to a wedding and sit in a corner while he refuses to acknowledge my existance.

Then of course there was all the picture taking and happy smiles on the outside and hard feelings on the inside.  To be truthful with you I couldn't get out of there fast enough.  I didn't even go to the Johnny Reid concert last night I was so worn out and the stress had totally taken it's toll on my tummy.  I wouldn't have enjoyed it so I sold the tickets and stayed home.

There was something else I realized when I was at the gathering.  It is okay for men to be overweight  but when women are it's frowned on.  I knew that as a generality but when I saw my son, who is at least 100 pounds overweight, and my brother, about the same, and they are laughing about it and joking about it being good living I felt sad.  There I am just a big as they are and totally ashamed of myself for having let myself go.

I think today has been one of the worst days in a long time for me as far as food is concerned.  I have done nothing but eat today, anything and everything.  I know I shouldn't be but am so upset and stressed out I can't quit.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.