Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Day 97

Where have I been for the past 5 days?  Good question, if I was an alcoholic you would say I had been on a bender, but what do you say when you are a food addict and go off on a binge?  I have no clue what got into me.  My sponsor asked me last night what had triggered it and I could think of a few things or now I wonder if they are just excuses for my lack of control.

I've been angry the past several days.  I wonder why everyone seems to think that I am a pillar of strength and they all need to lean on me.  First there is my support group of which I am the leader.  So I mentioned at meeting on Monday night that elections were coming up in a couple of months and they should be thinking about getting a replacement for me as I am tired and with going back to work full time not sure I can make the time commitment.  First words I heard "Well if you don't do it then the group will fold".  Horsefeathers, there are 29 other members besides myself, how about one of them stepping up to the plate.

Then there is my 12 step program.  I went to the meeting last Tuesday night thinking that perhaps during my absence in December they would have done sorting and packing as we were moving to a new location the 1st of the year.  Well guess what?  Not a damn thing had been done.  So I organized the sorting and packing, put all the stuff in my vehicle and transported it to the new location for last night's meeting.  And during that week I had about 5 phone calls expecting me to make arrangements for keys, etc.  Then when I showed some people where the supplies were to be kept I got "I don't think that will be enough space".  Get real people, I'm one person and not superwoman.  I get tired of always being responsible for making sure things get done.  Can't anyone else take responsibility for some of this.

And then there is the whole thing with me working at the hospital so I should be able to fit in visits to ailing family members, support group members and friends that are patients, all because I work there so it is convenient for me.  I would love to just be able to go and visit when I want to not because it is expected of me.  Can't wait till next week when I no longer work there and then maybe I can just go an visit because I want to.

There do I feel any better, I guess.  They say journaling is good for you and relieves the stress of things in your life.  Right now you will have a really hard time convincing me of that.  The past couple of days have been better than the first few of the year and I am looking forward to my new job.  One nice thing about it is that there is no cafeteria there so I will have to pack my lunch.  Hubby got me an Ipod for Christmas so I plan on taking part of my lunch break and walking even if only for half a block at a time.

Christmas brought me a steamer and a Tassimo coffee machine which are going to help greatly.  I have been using the steamer almost daily and really enjoy the natural taste of the foods that I have cooked in it.  As for the Tassimo machine it allows me to have my Latte's and Cappichino's that I like for less than 70 calories per serving and I only use it on the weekends it is great.  Also, it makes a great cup of green tea which I have been enjoying.

Will I make my goal in a year, definitely not at the rate I am going but I am going to keep trying.  I even went and bought some new clothes for next week.  Was disappointed that I was unable to find any dress pants that weren't pull ons.  I have come too far in my struggle to ever go back to wearing pull on pants.  Forget it, it is not happening.  So I bought some tops and will keep looking for some pants.  Of course, the obvious answer would be to drop 20 pounds then I could get into all the ones I have in my closet.  Good idea, maybe I will just do that.

Stick with me ladies, I am here and I am determined just need to get organized and do it.

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